BE the change
Ever since I was a little girl I was different from everyone else. I have my mother to blame for that... or should I say thank? She supported me to be an individual to the point I’ve been dressing myself since I could crawl. When everyone was dressing their children in overalls and other cute little numbers there was me in pink leggings with blue polka dots and a fluro orange and green stripped shirt with my pink and purple Barbie gumboots. When little girls and boys wore frilly togs – tankeenies, there was me with my pink and navy one piece, wearing it backwards with my faerie wings strapped to my back running around with my dog nugget instead of in a paddling pool. We’ve still got the pictures.
It was a wonderful life; if a little kid wore something tacky or out of fashion it was still cute... then I grew up.
I never follow trends, and I have my heart set on continuing to wear my own thing. Like the year I continuously wore slippers to school – it eventually caught on and everyone else did in the end too. Of course, this lead up to me being an outcast. I had my small group of friends and that was it. I adapted and was happy with that.
Then I met John, he WAS the love of my life. He was my first everything, first serious relationship, first party, first hookup, first time doing drugs, first love and first sex. I gave him my heart. And a little after a year he up and left. But I was alone, not just alone because he had left me, but alone because in finding him I cut my friends out. I spent a year locked up in my house; I never went anywhere or saw anyone because I felt bad for not doing it with or for him, because he made me feel guilty. Apparently it was unfair of me to go to the mall for lunch with the girls if I was getting upset that he was pissed and stoned in town at the clubs and strippers every second night with his mates.
I forgot what it were to be a teenager let alone human. I forgot how to socialize and enjoy myself and I’m still learning. I went back to school and had to establish friendships from the ground up all over again. And thankfully I did. I have a fantastic and supportive group of friends who I wouldn’t replace for the world.
But the thing is, I was soo broken I find it hard to trust. I’ve had 4 boyfriends since John, all in quick succession and none lasting longer than a month and a half. I had given up on love, on finding someone, and slowly I fell into depression. Crying myself to sleep most nights, having to throw away my painkillers and sharp objects because of my history and once more locking myself in my room.
Miserable at best to say the least.
Finally I put my foot down and realised. Nothing will change; nothing will get better, unless you go out and MAKE it happen. You can’t just wait for change. You have to BE the change.
So I’ve started being positive, about everything. If something’s far away. Say nine days. Instead of being all “god, I have to wait nine bloody days” think “oh gosh, I ONLY have to wait nine days”. After all it could be 10, 12, 20 even. For every negative there is a counter side; a positive. You’ve just got to flip it upside down.
So I’ve finally felt comfortable being me, even when the walls around me are being knocked down. But I still felt like something was missing.
I need and needed confirmation that I’m beautiful just the way I am, but I need it to be believable. And then HE wondered into my life by sheer luck and stupidity on my part. I did and said things the old me would never have the courage to do – I MADE the change.
And he makes me feel wonderful.
Even though we’re just friends right now, he made the difference in my life that everyone needs, because I MADE a change. Good things happen to good people. And he is as good as things could possibly be.
I hope others can learn like I have, I hope others can realise no matter how much you fuck up in life and how many people fuck you up that they're just stepping stones; they're lessons in learning who you are, what you want and what you will be in life. You need to LEARN, you need to think and above all you need to be POSITIVE.
Think negative thoughts and everything will seem negative to you.
Peace and Love.
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