BE the change

Ever since I was a little girl I was different from everyone else. I have my mother to blame for that... or should I say thank? She supported me to be an individual to the point I’ve been dressing myself since I could crawl. When everyone was dressing their children in overalls and other cute little numbers there was me in pink leggings with blue polka dots and a fluro orange and green stripped shirt with my pink and purple Barbie gumboots. When little girls and boys wore frilly togs – tankeenies, there was me with my pink and navy one piece, wearing it backwards with my faerie wings strapped to my back running around with my dog nugget instead of in a paddling pool. We’ve still got the pictures.
It was a wonderful life; if a little kid wore something tacky or out of fashion it was still cute... then I grew up.

I never follow trends, and I have my heart set on continuing to wear my own thing. Like the year I continuously wore slippers to school – it eventually caught on and everyone else did in the end too. Of course, this lead up to me being an outcast. I had my small group of friends and that was it. I adapted and was happy with that.

Then I met John, he WAS the love of my life. He was my first everything, first serious relationship, first party, first hookup, first time doing drugs, first love and first sex. I gave him my heart. And a little after a year he up and left. But I was alone, not just alone because he had left me, but alone because in finding him I cut my friends out. I spent a year locked up in my house; I never went anywhere or saw anyone because I felt bad for not doing it with or for him, because he made me feel guilty. Apparently it was unfair of me to go to the mall for lunch with the girls if I was getting upset that he was pissed and stoned in town at the clubs and strippers every second night with his mates.

I forgot what it were to be a teenager let alone human. I forgot how to socialize and enjoy myself and I’m still learning. I went back to school and had to establish friendships from the ground up all over again. And thankfully I did. I have a fantastic and supportive group of friends who I wouldn’t replace for the world.

But the thing is, I was soo broken I find it hard to trust. I’ve had 4 boyfriends since John, all in quick succession and none lasting longer than a month and a half. I had given up on love, on finding someone, and slowly I fell into depression. Crying myself to sleep most nights, having to throw away my painkillers and sharp objects because of my history and once more locking myself in my room.
Miserable at best to say the least.

Finally I put my foot down and realised. Nothing will change; nothing will get better, unless you go out and MAKE it happen. You can’t just wait for change. You have to BE the change.

So I’ve started being positive, about everything. If something’s far away. Say nine days. Instead of being all “god, I have to wait nine bloody days” think “oh gosh, I ONLY have to wait nine days”. After all it could be 10, 12, 20 even. For every negative there is a counter side; a positive. You’ve just got to flip it upside down.

So I’ve finally felt comfortable being me, even when the walls around me are being knocked down. But I still felt like something was missing.

I need and needed confirmation that I’m beautiful just the way I am, but I need it to be believable. And then HE wondered into my life by sheer luck and stupidity on my part. I did and said things the old me would never have the courage to do – I MADE the change.
And he makes me feel wonderful.

Even though we’re just friends right now, he made the difference in my life that everyone needs, because I MADE a change. Good things happen to good people. And he is as good as things could possibly be.


I hope others can learn like I have, I hope others can realise no matter how much you fuck up in life and how many people fuck you up that they're just stepping stones; they're lessons in learning who you are, what you want and what you will be in life. You need to LEARN, you need to think and above all you need to be POSITIVE.

Think negative thoughts and everything will seem negative to you.

Peace and Love.
Nav...

x

crying

I wish I could take it back, even for only a day. I can pretend I’m over it all as much as I want but the fact of the matter is that I’m not, I never will be and I never want to be. He’s the only person who made me feel like a human worth loving, even though I was horrible to him, even though I pushed him away with all the stupid shit I dis. I wish I could take it back or at least prove to him that I’ve changed. But I know he’s too stubborn to give me another chance, I just know it.

I fucked up soo much, and I know I did. I don’t even know why I was so insecure. I was stupid and naive, scared that someone I loved so much would hurt me... but I am hurting... only... I have myself to blame.

He was nothing but good to me and I tried to put him in a little box, keep him to myself and away from the world. It was the biggest mistake of my life. I regret it with all my heart and the day he left me, the moment he walked out of my life I made a promise to change. I’ve done that. I’m more understanding, more wise and less controlling.

I just want another chance to prove myself, and the only slice of hope that I’m clinging onto is when he said “I think we’ll be like my brother and his partner you know. We’ll be on and off, but we’ll pull through and have a family oneday.”
But hey, a girl can dream right?

Ireland

I finally decided what my life goal is. Well not so much decided. I’ve thought about it for months now, years even. So I guess I finally persuaded myself to confirm it? I don’t know the right words.
It won’t happen for years to come yet of course, I need to finish schooling then look for a full time job so I can save up the money. But in short, I want to move to Ireland. Go live in Dublin, Cork or Galway.

I have soo many reasons to do it too.

Firstly my heritage. I’ve known of my Irish routs since before I could remember and I’ve always been fascinated in them and naturally I’ve always wanted to see the land. In actual fact so does mum and my Aunty Kara. I sort of had hopes the three of us could spend a week in Ireland to celebrate my 21st (in a good 3 more years time), but I really don’t see that happening considering everyone’s economical status, no matter how much I wish we could.

Secondly I want to go to escape and discover myself. I want to make a life there and leave this one behind. I’ve gone through more shit in 17 years than most people do in 40, 50 even. Of course I haven’t been in any wars but life has been pretty shit. And my nearest and dearest don’t seem to hesitate to tell me I’m strong for still pulling through everything that gets dumped on me. It’s unfair and I’ve hated myself so much for so long. I’ve wanted to take my life, and I’ve tried countless times. And now, today, I know that instead of taking it, I need to make it. And I want to do that in Ireland, where I can meet new people, and leave the old me behind. Of course I’ll keep in contact with friends and family back here in NZ, and I’ll visit frequently. Heck if I have the money I may even fly someone(s) over.

Thirdly the people. I have never met a single person who’s known the Irish to be anything less than friendly. I know there will be the odd person who frightens you or pisses you off, that’s only natural. But all round they are generally a bundle nicer then kiwi’s. No offence but we do have our issues. Our men are arrogant and pumped with testosterone and our females are nasty bitches who wouldn’t think twice before LITERALLY stabbing you in the back. Of course, you’re safe... providing you never do wrong by them. I hate pretty much everyone I go to school with alone, let alone all the others that get thrown in. It’s one of the reasons why I have so very few people I consider friends.

My forth point is the fact that Ireland is well known for its economic stability. So much better than New Zealand as is and I could really benefit from that.

Enjoy The Little Things

Awh, I love shopping. I walk into a store and am greeted with "Hey how's your day been?" Before I can answer the shopping assistand goes, "OMG! I love your haircut! It's so caute"

Such a simple and small comment made by a stranger made my day :) and my week, too.

So later on, in McDonalds, I saw a woman of large size sitting alone and some girls chose to snigger and make jokes at her expence. The woman, who looks in her 30's, seemed a bit upset about it and ended up hiding her face behind a news paper.
My mother and I sat at the table next to her and I lent over, told her I loved her hair-color and her outfit was really flattering. She walked out of that fast food resurant with what seemed to me more confidence that she had when she was sitting there.


So remember, enjoy the simple things in life, focus on the positives, and if you see a stranger with something you like or admire, DONT hesitate to stop them and tell them, you never know how much your comment can mean to someone.

hurting

Uhg, have you ever felt so low and pathetic you just want to sit in a dark room with nothing but a blanket, a pillow and a big fat bottle of vodka. I remember why I don’t like going out, after today. I feel soo average and ugly. I sit there looking at everyone else, they fit in, they’re attractive, and they’re stylish. Then I look at me and I’m frumpy and boring, the way I see it I have nothing to offer. Then having to watch all those girls made me think of all his ex girlfriends. All young, all gorgeous, perfect skin and complexion, stylish clothes, loads of money, not to mention popular. And here’s me, occasionally spotty skin, pale as a ghost, tall and thin, barely any money at all (if none) and a close knit group of friends.

I’m starting to think I haven’t the slightest chance with him at all, but I must fight, I WANT to fight. Because he really does mean something to me. I got so torn up when he had to go through those relationships, not because I wanted him for myself, but because he got so hurt. They didn’t deserve him, or treat him half as good as they should have, or I would have.
I hate it so much, and it hurts when I don’t talk to him or hear from him... I just... can’t give up.

what girls want - by Nav and Emma

What do most average girls really want in a relationship? What is it a guy can do to make out knee’s buckle and leave us cooing over them?

♥ music : We want our guys to listen to our music when we turn it on, even if they don’t exactly share our taste. At least pretend to for our sake. Consider it “bonding time” with your girl. But of course we also want to listen to YOUR music. Regardless of what it is, if you enjoy it chances are we will too, simply for the way it makes you yourself feel. If you catch us singing along to a song, sing with us or flash us a smile. Even if our singing is pretty crap we appreciate the gesture more than you could imagine.

♥ food: You don’t have to go all out when you feed us, heck even a cheap meal from Macca’s will do. If we start an eating contest don’t hesitate to accept the challenge, and actually try to beat us too. Chances are we’ll try our best to out do you and claim that “biggest stomach” title for ourselves. And let’s face it, eating competitions are a riot and everyone likes a challenge.
Try to remember our eating habits. For example: if we’re a vegetarian or not, or even if there’s some foods we don’t like/are allergic to. It’ll come in handy should we ever have lunch or dinner with you.

♥ gifts : Don’t feel like you need to go all out till your pockets are empty. If she really loves you something as simple as a hug would do. Remember, a personal gift has more meaning than an expensive one. If you blow your money on us it seems like you’re trying to buy our love, and trying to hard may I add. Go for something that means something to you and it’ll do the same for her. For example one of your shirts/jackets, a letter you wrote, or a walk together and a picnic. Not exactly expensive right? But it’ll mean the world to her.

♥ parties: Take her with you! She’ll enjoy herself and there’s nothing more important to her than seeing a smile on your face. She’ll also take the time and chance to get to know your mates, which is defiantly a plus side. Just make sure at the party(s) that you pay attention her, and claim her as yours. Be her knight in shining armour, yeah? Try holding her hand or have your arm around her waist. If she looks nervous or uncomfortable give her a smile, squeeze her hand and kiss her cheek or forehead – it’s remarkably comforting and she’ll know you’re there for her.

♥ friends: Let her get to know your friends, she’ll grow to like them as much as you do sooner or later. It is also important that you get to know her friends to. A girls friends are right up there with her family and you’re going to want them to approve of you – remember they play a big part in your girls life and can influence her GREATLY.

♥ family : Meet hers before you take her to meet yours. Naturally her father will size you up a bit to start with and her mother will be overwhelming to say the least but all parents trust their children’s judgement in character when it comes to relationships, they want her to be happy: if you make her happy then there’s no problems. When it comes to her meeting your parents she’ll need your support. She’ll be more nervous to meet your mother than your father and may not make the best first impression. Talk to your parents about it before you bring her over.
As for extended family: Watch out for the uncles and older male cousins. They have sharp tongues and will look out for her. There’s a 98% chance they’ll break out the “hurt her and I’ll ...” line but don’t think anything of it. That’s just their way of welcoming you to the family.

♥ movies : Don’t watch movies in the cinema more than at home. She’d sooner snuggle up next to you on a couch with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn than sit in a dark crowded room. A movie night at home means one on one time, the ability to actually SEE each other, and of course a personal supply of food and no awkward situations revolving around extra company.
Don’t be afraid to pick the movie yourself, share the load! She won’t enjoy always having to choose what you watch and actually WANTS to watch something YOU will enjoy.

♥spontaneity: Be spontaneous, a girl likes a guy to be spontaneous, and just do things out of the blue, even if its small, she'll still have that smile on her face that you like, and it shows how much you go out of the way, to do something for her, it shows you care about her, and what it takes to make her happy.

♥crying: There is no way of avoiding the irrepressible tears. We know you don’t like seeing us cry, and we try our best to not let you see us when we’re like that but it’s not exactly easy. On the odd occasion that we’re crying there are a few simple things you can do to be there for her.
If you’re with her at the time: Hold her, it’s as simple as that. Sit down with your girl, put your arm around her and let her nuzzle into you, when she does stroke her hair and tell her she’ll be okay. <- simple yet INCREDIBLY EFFECTIVE.
If you’re not with her: offer to call her of for her to call you. Simply sit on the other end of the phone and listen to her for a moment, even if it’s vacantly. If she’s talking about girls being catty towards her throw in a comment like “what a bitch” or “ignore the cow”. Even if you don’t know the person she’ll love the idea of having your support.